APRIL 6 - I’ve been having dreams - strange dreams of teleportation. It’s almost as if it were real and I am physically present to this place that is an intersect of where I currently am, and back home. I remember a countdown timer, and two friends, and me begging to stay closer to home. I even shouted, ‘Can I please drop by Vito Cruz?’. It was so sad.
I woke up feeling like I’m losing it. I’m losing directions, and all I wanted was to redo and go home. It was so real, It felt so real. I felt so close to meeting everyone back, and my dog!
This isn’t healthy, it’s not the first time either. I feel like this dream has been on loop ever since I got here and all I want is for some sense of familiarity, of normalcy.
I don’t think I ever felt my heart hurt this much before, and why it does is still a mystery when I am an inch closer to my dreams. Dream city, to be more specific.
February 2016 - MAKATI, PHILIPPINES
I like myself better as an introvert. It’s less likely that I meet the wrong people, and there’s less chance of me being misunderstood for what clearly I am not. People think I’m a snob or a slut (!!?) or maybe an untalented person (yes) when In fact I really am just like my hometowns pride: incredibly shy. I’m tired of the trial and error. I’d like to believe in desires of the heart again but how can I when life punches me in the face everytime I do. Am I really really that unlikeable?
THIS IS A LOVE LETTER - “It’s almost as if I can’t breathe. I don’t feel sick but I do feel like my lungs are running out of air. This is strange, even for me. It’s almost as if I’m holding on to something, my feet will embrace anything just to make it feel as if it’s still on earth. I’m still here but for a moment, I can’t grasp the full extent of what is happening. My heart is just all over the place, and it is pretty clear on what it desires, but it is not without fear, and anxiety and all the factors that surround this mystery I thought I was used to. Frankly, this is new territory, even for me, who claims to have been in love at least once before. Clearly, I know nothing.
If I have to write it down, give a face to it, it’ll be as real as the downpour of emotions I’ve been having for the last couple of weeks. I hope you are worth it. I hope you think I’m worth the world.
I really just hope you give this some thoughts.”
Its easy to get sidetracked by jealousy, bitterness and anger. Perhaps, I think, that is why for me, self-control works. I need to control myself before my surroundings eat me whole, before the world crash on my shoulders, when it shouldn’t. Not when I’m still in charge of my mind, at the very least. I need be believe in myself despite everything, despite everyone and I can’t do that if I’m still looking over my shoulders, anxious and afraid over everything. I can’t. Method actors are great because they do this sort of thing. I’m not an actor. I don’t even know if I’m really an artist. (someone’s asking why I kind of live inside a bubble of indifference and disinterest with a bunch of people or a certain lifestyle. I hope I answered your question)
All I have to do is to want it.
To give a face to it.
To risk, to stop this pointless chase and put a halt to this directionless vehicle that is my heart.
To say it.
To own up to things without the ego.
To just let go of the non essentials and strip myself off garbage, and bitterness.
To be a little more grateful.
There’s always gonna be somebody in this world who is prettier than me, a hell of a lot more talented, richer, more worldly. There will always be and they will always be a step ahead, a shoe I so badly want to fill.
And I go haywire whenever I’m faced with such crisis.
And I want my heart to learn how to deal with this crippling loneliness that gets me crying in the middle of a busy day.
But they say you can have what you want…just probably not all the same time.
I’m always the late bloomer, I really am. I blame this dense heart, which does nothing but feel things for the wrong people. I know what you’re thinking; this is different. I haven’t told you anything about this yet. #chemistry #isn’t #just #a #subject #loophole
